Free events in Toronto this week crest on the weekend with the Caribana Parade, though with no money showing up in full costume is going to be tricky. Better to pick through the closet of a friends with questionable taste in thrifting. Speaking of thrifting, a true story: earlier this month I wrote my dentist a cheque and promptly forgot, until I suddenly had $30 in small bills and laundry change to carry me to my next pay cheque. At least my dentist can go on vacation again - and at least I have these Tiki parties, film screenings, and indie rock to keep me busy.

Here are your best bets to play Henry Higgins this week in Toronto.

The Spoke: CULTURE SHOCK
Here's a PWYC lit event thanks to The Spoke, who are trying to re-adjust to the wilds of Kensington Market. Bring them a bongo, a soy grilled cheese, and something at least mildly contraband (or some money - they probably just want money). Monday, July 28, 8pm, Videofag (187 Augusta Avenue).

Super-Diviner: A Psychic Performance by RM Vaughan
RM Vaughan is conducting psychic experiments for free at Videofag. Find out what the "Super-Diviner" / multi-media artist is up to here, and stop by to learn if he's actually psychic by sunset from Tues-Thurs. July 29-31, 6:40pm - 8:45pm, Videofag (187 Augusta Avenue)

Indie 88 Nu Music Night with The Luke Austin Band
Indie88 is putting the The Luke Austin Band on stage, and you get their whole set for free. Not one of those deals where you only get a couple of songs and then they cut the sound until you pay up. Though that would be one way of gauging audience interest. Tuesday, July 29, 9:30pm, Horseshoe Tavern (370 Queen Street West)

AKIN CRIT 24: DUFFERIN STUDIO
If you miss art school or missed out on art school, Akin throws monthly crits for free. There's still beer after, don't worry - but maybe not the other stuff you kind of remember from art school such as soul shattering ennui and benzos. Wednesday, July 30, 7pm, 444 Dufferin Street, Unit E.

Outdoor Screening of "LUV"
LUV starring Danny Glover, Dennis Haysbert, Meagan Good, and newcomer Michael Rainey, Jr is screening for free, but bring some cash for popcorn if you can. Wednesday, July 30, 9pm, Regent Park (585 Dundas Street East).

TIKI PATIO PARTY ft. Luau Or Die, Donalyn & Tropical Burlesque
Two floors of "summer loving bands and Polynesian burlesque" means I won't be here, kitschy patio or not. Shudder to think! Sounds fun. Wednesday, July 30, 9:30pm, Bovine Sex Club (542 Queen Street West).

Toronto FILM FESTIVAL best of SHORT Event. RSVP FREE TIX for Thurs. July 31st, 7pm, Carlton
You know how this works, cinema fans: RSVP to see short films for free! Thursday, July 31, 7pm, Carlton Cinema (20 Carlton Street).

Lauren Mann and the Fairly Odd Folk - TORONTO, ON @ 3030 Dundas West w/ Whiskey Epiphany
A free concert in the Junction featuring, among others, a band named Whiskey Epiphany - I had one of those about why I'm broke (I was sober at the time). Thursday, July 31, 9pm, 3030 (3030 Dundas West)

Moroccan Night
Free cover to watch bellydancers including Evyenia Karmi. Thursday, July 31, Paintbox Bistro (585 Dundas Street East).

64 High: A Fan-Made Musical
Geek out with this musical about video game heroes Mario and Luigi at this PWYC (bring a donation for the geeky writers and actors) production at The Box. July 31 - Aug 2, 8pm, The Box Toronto: Studio and Theatre (103-89 Niagara Street).

BAD NEWS ALL VINYL DANCE PARTY!!
This celebration of vinyl and gettin' down is free before 11pm ($5 after). Friday, Aug 1, 9pm, Parts & Labour (1566 Queen St. West).

Really Really Free Market at Campbell Park
Bring your stuff before 3pm - oh, I forgot, you live with your significant other in a 5x6 square foot room in a 2 bedroom basement apartment with seven other people and five ex-stray cats and a rescue dog that all don't get along and the only thing you have to call your own is a lamp and a smart phone. Head to the park to get some more stuff, for free! Maybe a second litter box. Saturday, Aug 2, 10am-4pm, Campbell Avenue Park (195 Campbell Park Ave).

Silkscreen and Kite Making workshop with Mary Tremonte and Parastoo Anoushahpour
RSVP to learn the joys of kite making. Kite flying is always free - until you hit a power line. Then it's only free if you're a citizen with up to date health insurance. Saturday, Aug 2, 1-5pm, Xpace Cultural Centre (2-303 Lansdowne Ave)

Artfest Toronto
"75 of Canada's top artists" will show everything from photography and painting to music and crafts. I'm not sure about the "top" artists thing, but event promoters know words have power. Even I am powerless against words. Saturday, Aug 2-4, 11am-6pm, The Distillery District (55 Mill St Toronto).

Caribana Parade
The explosion of energy that is the Caribana parade marches 9am-6pm Saturday, August 2, at Exhibition Place & Lakeshore Boulevard. It's $25 to enter Exhibition Place but not to worry - most of the parade is free to attend along Lakeshore Boulevard.

Christie Pits Film Fest presents Days of Summer: Twister!
Instant classic Twister will sweep you off your feet at Christie Pits on Sunday - bring a donation and a blanket. As if a blanket and a couple of bucks could save you from nature. Sunday, Aug 3, 7:30pm, Christie Pits Park.

• Elvis Mondays at the Drake
• Foosball Battle Royale, Monday, Disgraceland
• Art Gallery of Ontario free evening, Wednesday, 6-8:30pm.
• IFOA Weekly, free for supporters, students, & youth under 26, Wednesday, Harbourfront Centre
• Skin of My Nuts Comedy Show, Thursday, Sonic Espresso Bar
• Free patio concerts, Thursday until Aug 7, Roy Thomson Hall
• Canadian Opera Company's Free Concerts series
• While nearly all art galleries in the city are free to enter, it's worth noting The Museum of Contemporary Canadian Art (MOCCA) is always PWYC.
• The ROM (Royal Ontario Museum) offers discounted tickets on Fridays ($10).

Photo: Irina No