Halloween! The old symbol that the good times shall no longer roll and terrible winter is upon us. The ancient Celts believed that the border between this world and the 'otherworld' became thin on Samhain, allowing spirits (both harmless and harmful) to pass through. So what are you gonna do when you're out and about, in a big clumsy robot costume drinking your face off and the unthinkable happens? What if your date turns out to be a werewolf? Or there's a vampire locked in the ladies bathroom? What are you gonna do in a strange place when there is a full-fledged zombie attack? For an overview of Halloween events this weekend, check out our 2010 Halloween Party Guide, but I've also thrown it a few choice ones here for good measure.

SATURDAY OCT 30th

PARADE | The 11th Annual Night of Dread
Awful Scenario #2: Zombies want to eat your mind-grapes!
Well you're gonna want to be mobile, in an open place where there's lots of places to run to and with lots of other people around who will likely be much slower than you! This one's a ... no brainer??? Eh?
Starts at Dufferin Grove Park (Dufferin and Bloor) 4PM PWYC

PARTY | PANIC - Halloween Retro Party with DJ Lazarus
Awful Scenario #3: Pesky spooks!
If I've learned anything from the TV show Ghostwriter, (anything at all) it's that all spirits wandering our dimension are from turn of the century London and are very sentimental to old-timey music. So if you're being haunted, (you might just be) then go to a retro dance party and maybe, just maybe your ghost will stay at VU and bother them for the next thousand years. Problemo solved.
Velvet Underground - 510 Queen St West - Toronto
doors @ 10pm 19+ $10 before 11pm $15 after

PARTY | Halloween Hay Rides
Awful Scenario #4: Someone poisoned my Mars bar!
Well then you're probably going to die very soon so I would hope you'd want your last moments to be peaceful and fun. Sure you COULD waste your time at a hospital and get stuck in a line behind fifty bros who 'hit it a little too hard' or you could go on a hay ride, die and stay on the wagon for another three rides until someone notices you're not a decoration.
Shops at Don Mills - Afternoon

PARTY | All Wu
Awful Scenario #5: There's a werewolf who just can not take the hint that I don't 'like' like it and the hairy bastard won't leave me alone! I mean come on!
It's a well known fact that werewolves can't stand silver bullets, the movies of Kevin Costner and Wu Tang. Nobody knows for sure why but it's very true. And since all the copies of Dragonfly are going to be rented, (it IS Halloween after all) just let the fur-ball see you hanging out in 751 tonight and he'll get the message. He had better.
751 Queen Street West, Downstairs, $5

ART | UpArt at the Gladstone Hotel and the Toronto International Art Fair
Before you trick-or-treat, these two events will offer a feast for your aesthetic senses. TIAF maybe be a bit stale on the whole, but spending an afternoon at the Convention Centre always reveals hidden gems. UpArt, on the other hand, is just a great, arts-community-driven art fair that lacks the pretention and pomp of TIAF. See links for more details.

SUNDAY OCT 31st

EDUCATION | Haunted Museum
A.S. #6: Aliens!
This is zero hour and we're playing by Battlestar Galactica rules. Naturally the ETs are gonna take out our most technologically advanced weaponry first so in order to lead the successful rebellion or just bug out of the city asap, stay close to the Canadian Air & Space Museum. Maybe they have a tri-plane that can be retro fitted with a swiped plasma canon.

FILM | Halloween Double Bill: The Shining and Dead Alive
A.S. #7: Something in the house across the street just tried to eat us! Wait the house is alive??
So you should spend as much time as possible away from said demon house. Don't just sit around in your room spying on it, peeing in bottles and freaking everybody out. Just leave. Wait until it's had it's fill of the neighborhood children and goes dormant for another year. A couple of movies should take care of that.
7PM The Shining, 9:30PM Dead Alive, $10
Fox Theatre (2236 Queen St. East,

SEMINAR | "Unleash your Pack Power" with Cesar Milan at Pet Vali
A.S. #8: Buddy swiped a sacred canopic jar and is stashing it in my locker. Now this mummy is pissed at me.
Happens all the time so here's a little secret. Mummys freaking love the Dog Whisperer. I know mine does!
240 Carlton St, 11:30AM

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Photo by marty_pinker in the blogTO Flickr pool.