I was having lunch with a friend of mine and our discussion turned to talk of vibrators.

"I couldn't live without mine," she proclaimed. When I shrugged and began to say something about how it couldn't possibly be that great, she cut me off.

"Literally. When I'm stressed out after a day of working, my boyfriend's being an asshole or pretty much whenever I want, I can count on it to improve my mood."

I still didn't get it. I'd used a vibrator with my ex and it had always seemed to get her off admirably but in the odd role-reversal, it'd never done anything for me. A plain old wank was fine as far as it went but I can't say I ever imbued my solitary exploration with the near religious-fervosity that my friend seemed to be doing. To be honest, I was kind of jealous.

Then I remembered that sex show at the Exhibition that I went to three years ago. There'd been a booth with a selection of male masturbatory aids (AKA stretchy vaginas) and my friends and I, with only a dab of lube on our fingers, had stuck them in one by one into the artificial orifice and been quite impressed with the results. It didn't feel "real" but it felt close enough to be fun.

Up until now, I'd never bought one for myself and remained mildly curious as to what kind of experience one might derive from a session with a vaginal substitute.

Pondering this some more, I came to the conclusion that I probably wasn't the only one wondering what it was like. A quick poll of my male friends revealed that a bunch of them didn't even know that these sheaths existed. In a flash of Bacchanalian understanding, my mission became clear:

I would have to test a variety of these toys and report my findings to other men so that they could benefit from my experimentation.

My purpose realized, I headed over to Come As You Are (701 Queen St. West) to see what if I could find any fake vaginas. It was convenient (they're right across the street from where I work) and I figured if anyone had the scoop, it would be them.

Turns out I made the right choice. A quick scan of the store revealed a corner full of various models. Ranging from simple ribbed sheaths (think French tickler) to rather detailed attempts at anatomical accuracy, it seemed there was something for everyone and at every budget.

The cheapest one was the Blue Lightning, the aforementioned ribbed sheath, at a measly $13; a bargain for the frugal masturbator. For two dollars more, you could get nubs (Blue Thunder, $15) instead of ribs although it's hard to say how much of a difference that would make in the heat of the moment.

I ended up purchasing one of the mid-range options, the Purple Iris ($36); a purple, sparkly thingie that reminds me of a Georgia O'Keefe painting. After that, things get pricey with the Ecsta Sleeve Vulva (or Anus) going for $62 but offering a better grip and "cyberskin" for your money.

For those who like their vulvas to vibrate, the Tim's Bit offers an affordable introduction to the world of mechanized self-pleasure at only $38 and the Fleshlight ($80) reigns as the king of fully-loaded toys with multiple heads (vagina, mouth, anus and non-descript) and a handy-dandy grip (hence the name). Hell, you can even get it with a motor for $15 more.

The lovely lady who helped me with my purchase explained all of this and more and also provided me with a guide for my new toy which explained how to care for it. Basically, oils are bad, water-based lubricants are good and you can clean it with any soap you use on yourself.

The rest of the day was a caffeinated blur; I couldn't wait to go home and try it out. I thought it would probably be better than my hand but not as good as the real thing and I was right. That being said, it felt really, really good. With some lube and a few strokes, it fit remarkably snug but wasn't too tight either. Where it differed from vaginal sex was in the focus of the pleasure

Usually, the initial penetration provides the best sensations for both partners during intercourse whereas the Purple Iris was designed to be at its most pleasurable when the head of your cock is slipping in and out of the other end of the toy in a process that can only be described as reverse penetration.

So if you're a guy and you're looking for something different, try out one of these "insertion toys." It's a unique experience and well worth trying.

---

Image: Black Iris by Georgia O'Keefe.