Mayor Olivia Chow and Premier Doug Ford revealed a historic new deal for Toronto on Monday, one that will see the Gardiner and Don Valley Parkway uploaded to the province, saving the City almost $2 billion in state of good repair spending.

For an understanding of just how astonishingly high this figure is, Toronto's state of good repair spending for 2023 saw $1.9 billion allocated to the crumbling Gardiner Expressway, compared to just $1.3 billion for every single other road in Toronto combined.

The province taking on all the costs of the Gardiner would free up around $1.9 billion for other capital projects in current ten-year plan. Significant capital budget relief for the city, especially as costs are likely to grow higher due to delays etc. https://t.co/xwrmc8J5ho https://t.co/mU3sjIRMRv pic.twitter.com/XEAz248SlE

— Matt Elliott (@GraphicMatt) November 27, 2023

Chow celebrated the new deal in a post to X (formerly Twitter), saying it provided the city with much-needed funds "for affordable housing, fixing our aging transit system and building communities with all the things that make them wonderful places to live — like childcare, community centres, parks, libraries and more."

Uploading the Gardiner and DVP means we now have billions available for affordable housing, fixing our aging transit system and building communities with all the things that make them wonderful places to live — like child care, community centres, parks, libraries and more. pic.twitter.com/pSRRZYppi7

— Mayor Olivia Chow (@MayorOliviaChow) November 27, 2023

While Chow has made it clear where this new funding boost will be allocated, it begs the question: What entirely stupid things could Toronto buy to continue its longstanding tradition of irresponsible spending?

When in the wrong hands (read: me), this obscene amount of wealth could be put to some downright irresponsible uses.

So let's explore this dream world where Toronto has ample transit, housing, and no spending backlog limiting its (once again, read: my) ambitions.

Toronto sports fans may be interested to learn that the City could buy the entire CFL and still have more than $1.6 billion left over based on a 2021 estimated league value of $240 million.

Even if you are a typical CFL-ignoring Toronto resident, that's an entire sports league for under a quarter billion (in this economy!?), while new NFL stadiums alone are running costs into the billions these days.

For just a few million more, the City could buy the MLB's Tampa Bay Rays and sign only players named Ray (first or last name; I'll be generous here).

If the City wanted to be really petty about sports rivalries, it could buy the NHL's Montreal Canadiens franchise for $1.85 billion and then throw them a moderately priced "you don't get to be a team anymore" party where those Tim Hortons Maple Leafs donuts are the sole refreshment provided.

Toronto is spending big on new military-style police response vehicles, so why not take things a step further and buy its very own Arleigh Burke-class destroyer for the amount saved on the Gardiner project?

You know, to fight the invasive vampire fish clogging up Lake Ontario.

You could buy 2.7 kilometres of the delay-plagued Eglinton Crosstown LRT for the amount saved on the Gardiner, or $662 million for every 1,000 metres of track — a sobering exercise in mathematics.

The value of social media platform X has gone into a tailspin since Elon Musk's high-profile purchase of the company and subsequent meddling, leaving Toronto the opportunity to buy up a double-digit percentage of shares.

Toronto could also double down on its status as a top music city by buying the entire music catalogues of major recording artists Taylor Swift ($405 million USD), Bob Dylan ($400 million USD) or Bruce Springsteen ($500 million USD).

It goes without saying that Toronto has far better things to spend this newly unlocked money on, but it's interesting to explore just how far a buck will get you in today's uncertain economy.