Disclaimer: I am feeling particularly miffed this morning. I'll save the personal details, but let's just say Valentine's Day is not on my priority list (not until someone says he's sorry for being a big jerk!). Moving along...

Yes, Valentine's Day is approaching (encroaching). You now have less than two weeks to come up with something that appears as though you've been planning for longer than you actually have. For those not into planning or who'd like to go over and beyond the call of duty (show-offs!), may I suggest: FADO Valentine-Oh-Grams.

The zany folks at FADO have schemed-up a brilliant concept for even the iciest of queens. For an affordable price you can hire a real-live performance artist to serenade your Valentine on V-Day wherever you choose (work, home, gym, church...). Best to avoid the 'singing vagina' package if you intend to surprise your sweetheart at church (though I'd pay to see that).

Performances range in price from $25-$110, the most expensive being the singing vagina (for obvious reasons, I suppose). If you book early you can get in on some nice discounts.

Sound enticing, maybe mortifying? Whether you want to surprise a lover or humiliate an ex, I encourage you to spread the love!

(I don't actually recommend that you humiliate an ex).

For your convenience, I've attached a complete list of FADO's live-performance-oh-grams. I wish you all a happy Valentine's Day (except of course you know who).

_________

Careless Whisper: A Singing Vagina Valentine-Oh-Gram
Serenade your sweetie with George Michael's classic ballad as sung by performer Lisa Anne Ross wearing a giant vagina costume (yes, you read it right). George Michael's words delivered with James Brown's dramatic flair. Comes with a tiny bottle of champagne, which is sort of phallic looking (but ridiculously small next to the giant vagina). For those with a good sense of humour or a healthy dose of hubris.

The Say Anything Valentine-Oh-Gram
It's 1989 and a trench coat wearing John Cusack is standing outside your bedroom window in the rain holding a boombox over his head playing "In Your Eyes" by Peter Gabriel. Swoon. Now picture this: It's February 14, 2008, and you've just bought the Say Anything Valentine-Oh-Gram for your sweetie. A group of performance artists wearing trench coats holding boomboxes over their heads playing that Peter Gabriel song (or another song, your choice) arrive at your sweetie's home (or office or yoga class etc.) and melt his/her heart with this romantic cinema image. Need we say anything more?

The Spelling Bee Valentine-Oh-Gram
C-R-E-A-T-E (space) A (space) S-P-E-C-I-A-L (space) M-E-S-S-A-G-E for your loved one and our team of performance artists will deliver it to your darling spelling bee style using megaphones and flash cards. Can't think of something to say that says it all? Let our team of performance artists spell out your love for you. Suitable for loved ones of all kinds - lovers, friends, or go educational and purchase this Valentine-oh-Gram for the kids.

The Display of Affection Valentine-Oh-Gram
For the lover who doesn't mind a little PDA in the form of a group hug/multiple kisses delivered by total strangers ("Don't worry honey, it doesn't mean anything, they're just performance artists"). The Display of Affection Valentine-Oh-Gram is a collapsible travelling kissing/hugging booth that sets ups instantly at your Valentine's location and comes complete with a line-up of loving performance artists ready and willing to offer all the PDA's you're too shy to display. Modest and slightly less modest versions available.

NEW this year!
The Valentine-Oh-Phone
Give us the name and phone number of your "special someone" and on Valentine's Day we will call them for you and engage them in a warm and fuzzy conversation about how much they are loved (using information you have provided us, of course). Local, Canadian or US calls only. Valentine-Oh-Phones are suitable for long distance lovers, parents, best friends, or secret admirers. Discretion assured!

Above Photo: "True Love Bites" by blogTO Flickr pooler gingerbugjones